So, I’ve had this great idea. Admittedly, it’s a bit ‘out there’, but hear me out – by the end of it, you too will be convinced. I think it would cut the divorce rate dramatically if women were allowed to take a second husband. Now, I know a lot of you who already have husbands will think, ohmygod, are you kidding? I don’t even want the one I have. But wait. There are some very good reasons why two men could potentially be better than one, and here are some I can think of right now.
1. Women are exhausting
Oh, come on – we are. Alright, let me speak for myself. I never stop talking. I’m one of those people who feel the need to express every thought that comes into my head. I find my own theories on life fascinating, but would I like to live with me? Hell, no. But imagine if, at any given time, there were two men to listen. They could do it in relays – one in his man-cave recovering, one in the kitchen being attentive and engaged. I’m not even going to go into PMS and that whole changing our minds by the nanosecond thing. It’s just not fair to expect one man to take all of this on. But if they shared their husbandly duties they wouldn’t have to walk around looking so down-trodden and, well, exhausted all the time. Problem solved!
2. Women are poor
I know there are women who are CEOs of things and earn fortunes, but in my personal circle – for reasons in no way related to our brilliance – our earning potential is pretty crap. It’s just the way of the world. And yet (gotta love our optimism) the amount of money we earn in no way corresponds to the amount of money we spend. This is where it makes a lot of sense to introduce another income (a nice, manly one) into the household. More shopping = more joy. Then we wouldn’t have to knock a digit off the price of that completely unnecessary top we just bought or pretend we’ve had it for yeeeeears. It’s the perfect way to end that marital discussion once and for all.
3. Variety is the spice of life
I don’t need to elaborate on this one.
4. They could be friends
Instead of having to watch the news/hear about the share market/pretend to care about the clangy noise his car’s making, he’d have a built-in buddy to share these important aspects of his life with, leaving you free to enjoy endless episodes of The Kardashians/update your status/phone a friend about those cool shoes you saw at Zara. So, rather than tearing his hair out in frustration at your incessant demands, the two of them could go somewhere and drink beer and get it all off their chests.
5. We’d be doubly adored
My need for love and affirmation is like a bottomless pit, while my husband is quite satisfied with the odd shag and me not being excessively unreasonable. Now, this is a problematic discrepancy in our (and I think many) relationships. It’s beyond his comprehension that I require so much, well, input, and I understand that. So, just give me another one to fill in the gaps and everyone will be happy. My husband will have loads of spare time to do things other than adoring me, and I’ll be overjoyed with all that surplus love. If one ou isn’t in the mood for snuggling, you just get the other one. When it comes to Important Anniversaries, your chances of getting a small black box are instantly doubled. And if all one guy wants to do is aim a remote at the TV screen and pretend he doesn’t exist, the other one can take you for sushi and a small boogie on the town. Now, how could this scenario be anything but awesome?