Somebody Help Me, I’m Having a Kak Gedagte

So, I have a confession to make: lately I’ve been having a kak gedagte, and this thing started to happen on Tuesday night when Baleka Mbete didn’t even have the decency to fake cry when she announced to the dishonourable members of parliament and the waiting country that uJacob and his thieving, plundering ministers will continue to thieve and plunder till the Nguni cows come home. I suppose I was one of those people hoping against hope that the majority of the ruling party were people of integrity who would do the right thing even if it was hard, but clearly this is not the case. And I suppose I just got demoerin and that feeling hasn’t left me yet. And what I want to know is why must we always draw the short straw when it comes to rulers of this lovely country? Why do we always get saddled (Madiba and Mbeki excluded) with the biggest bladdy mamparras the world has ever seen? I mean, this guy?

PW Botha pic
Prime Minister PW Botha. No doubt telling everyone how not a racist he is. Or maybe mansplaining a thing to Elise*

I know that when you’re a white South African it’s haram to have an opinion that extends beyond what you’re going to order from UberEATS, but I would also like to say that at no point did Clarence Poephol in the above pic phone me on my landline and ask my opinion on things. Because I can tell you, for free, that if he had done I would have said in no uncertain terms that I don’t think apartheid is very polite nor any kind of good idea moving forward into the future. Except he didn’t give two Kruger Rands for what I – or most of South Africa – thought, so I had to stand there with a mouth full of teeth singing Oranje Blanje Blou and about crags and creaking wagons while these fools made completely kak decisions which would later, round about now, bite us badly in the bums, thanks for that.

Old poepoog President Zuma having a lekker laugh at the State of the Nation.

And now, for his sins and those before him, we’ve got Billy Sphincter and his swimming pool to contend with. Maybe we’re being punished because it’s so lekker here. Could that be? I mean, try and beat our winelands and coastline. Maybe it’s some kind of retributive justice by the universe, like here’s a very good Chardonnay for the bargain price of 45 ZAR, only you’re also getting Bathabile Dlamini because you can’t have everything, sozzles. I suppose it sort of balances out Addo and the Kruger National Park when we get the most foolish people who’ve ever been born making decisions for us and our country. Otherwise it would be too good and it wouldn’t be fair on the rest of the world. And now the same ANC that saved our souls has grown more vrot than a skaapboud left out in the sun after Nagmaal. What are we even to do?

And, how mad is our history, actually? So, let’s take the most diverse, vibrant, culturally rich and beautiful place on the planet and put this guy in charge:

Prime Minister Hendrik Verwoerd. A barrel of laughs, you can tell.

I mean. I don’t think he had a happy day in his entire life. Which might account for why he was hell-bent on making the rest of us miserable. When you’re feeling like a haemorrhoid there’s nothing worse than being surrounded by joyful people. I actually think, had Verwoerd (just the name sounds like you’re making a noise out your bum) and his cronies lived long enough, they would have thoroughly approved of Jacob Zuma’s government. Lord knows they were also robbing us blind during the apartheid years. If old Hendrik was capable of moving those thin lips into a smile, he would have grinned at JZ and slapped him on the back and told him way to go! Censorship of the press, thieving, autocratic governance, corruption… so many parallels between that government and this one. It seems like the ANC learnt well from its predecessors.

So, I’m really hoping my kumbaya mindset returns one of these hours so that I can continue to assure everyone in Perth that it’s all ayoba. People have pointed out that nearly 50% of the ANC opposed Zuma and that that’s a good sign. I suppose they’re right, I’m just impatient. How long will we wait till proper social transformation starts to happen? What is the plan for righting the wrongs? Is there one or will we, the haves, just keep shopping and pretending we live in Europe? When will this wonderful country filled with so much amazingness be rewarded with a proper leader? We have come so far and worked so hard that these setbacks klap a sister.

I suppose it’s no different, really, to what we’ve been dealing with since the Nats ran the show. We hated our government then, we hate our government now. Not a lot has changed. Actually, it’s probably not stretching the truth to say not a lot has changed since the 1600s when the first white ships arrived on our coastline and starting making megaai. So, I’m going to try and cheer up: Zuma’s days are numbered and when he goes, chances are excellent we’ll be awarded an even bigger mamparra because the more things change, the more they stay the same. And there is something quite comforting about that. Plus, we have R45 wine and a good excuse to drink it.

*Elise Botha, his wife.

27 thoughts on “Somebody Help Me, I’m Having a Kak Gedagte

  1. Hilarious as always! But, I have to believe that even as bad as things are, they *must* be better than apartheid days, although I can see the similarities you draw re: corruption. Living in the UK at the moment, so a bit out of touch, but watching with keen interest.

  2. Fantastic… love it!!!! No-one could have have put it better and best of all it engenders hope that despite it all, SA remains an awesome place in so many ways.

  3. Had to chuckle at your pic of PWB…. My Dad’s cousin….a well-oiled wine writer/lawyer, etc and ex Rhodes Scholar…was married to a QC, who became Helen Suzman’ś legal brain in Parli. She was an MPC in her own right at some stage, I think…..I was young so didn’t care about such things then. Jackie was a nice boere meisie from Ficksburg, but very very clever and some current DA old soldiers credit her as 50% of what Helen was…was actually Jackie, behind the scenes. HOWEVER….if we wanted to
    press Jackie’s buttons when she came around for supper, we had only to mention PW. She absolutely
    LOATHED him with a viciousness that she reserved for no other. Said he was an absolute and total PIG,

  4. Very creative and I enjoy the humour. Its like the DA I voted for who forgot to monitor the dams they were made aware of back in 2005 and 2009 by the Camissa report on the coming drought. Then they forgot that the youth post university and young middle-class families cannot afford the crazy property prices they had a hand in driving up, pushing those who grew up in the surrounding areas of CT, out into the boondoks, adding to the already heavy traffic congestion. They also forgot to add new schools with endless waiting lists, to accommodate the influx and high density of people coming here . No foresight, vision or plan like the rest above. They’re just too busy in court fighting losing battles.

    But then in the big wide world, some SA’ns admire, there’s the Bush’s, Obama’s, Trump’s and Blair’s, the warmongers of the world with their EU partners, along with Australia, looting and killing and stealing whole countries habitually for centuries, as Eva Bartlett and John Pilger would tell us. So who are we to complain incessantly.

    I love my country warts and all. Lets enjoy South Africa’s beauty and sunshine. We’re so fortunate and almost dry in Cape Town. What more can we ask for. It’s just politics.

  5. Excellent writing! And about a kak topic too. Love the oh so very South African mix of languages. You really do call a spade a shovel! Go for it.

  6. Brilliant as always! I once lamented about the situation in SA and that there is little hope for the future. My cousin, a world traveller, said that he has a lot of hope. We think things are so bad here, but it is like that in every country. And since then riots and worse started happening in France and all over Europe. I believe we are still in the best place, basking in the sun.

    1. I think many people fear change. I am off to Italy & Spain next month and had to first confirm with friends over there to hear if it is safe. There are Anti-tourist demos in Barcelona and Rome, and good ol SA let all & sundry in, even water-less CT. How nice are we. Same with NZ & OZ, no longer welcoming SA’ns so readily. We need to start looking after our own too. I recently watched how Hungary’s elderly are demonstrating against their super corrupt president & co. Then there’s Black Opinion who exposes a different side to corruption right under our nose. There are two sides to a pancake, no mater how flat.

      I have faith in SA and the rest of the continent are showing signs of steady growth. The world’s balance of power will shift without a doubt. Change is inevitable and the wheel turns.

  7. Amen sista!! You had me chuckling from the get-go. Yes the politics suck, but the people surviving all this akkies are amazing, funny and past masters at making the lemonade with the shed load of lemons the government hands out. In spite of ……. there’s no place like home.

  8. Fantastic writing! In a world that’s becoming more bizarre every day, this is a fantastic blog to lighten things up (or give a fresh perspective).

  9. Thank you so much. After all of this “bad news” we read each hour of each day, I don’t think I have laughed as much in ages as I did in this piece of yours

  10. Stephen Fry reported that a Dutch friend of his said that the reason there are very few arseholes in Holland is that most of those left for South Africa and started Apartheid.

  11. Wonderful points of view and a “lekker ” read for those of us who live away from home. Keep on keeping us intellectually informed m.

    All the best

    Sent from my iPhone


  12. Hilarious. I am sitting in a quiet restaurant drinking a R 45 glass of wine and eating a salad and I am laughing so hard, people are starting to stare!!!

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