The singlemost surprising thing to happen to me in this lifetime was to become Dane-ish. Who knew that the blonde guy at the party I bounced a cigarette with in the nineties (it was the nineties, okay, everyone smoked) and drunkenly handed my business card and panicked when he called the next day because I kind of had a boyfriend, oops was going to become the dude. You just never know where this life journey is going to take you so always wear good broeks and waterproof mascara just in case.
Lunch Can Last Eight Hours
The Danes are generally an understated bunch. They hate clutter, self-aggrandisement and anything over-the-top, but the one time all this modesty and minimalism go to hell in a hand-basket is when they sit down to lunch. Not any lunch, an occasion lunch – a birthday, Easter, a confirmation (yes, this nation of atheists become pretty religious when somebody’s child turns 13). When it’s an occasion lunch, it’s balls-to-the-wall. They make up for all that healthy eating and biking big time. Before I learnt to take small portions, even greedy guts me found herself in a bit of a dilemma being stuffed to capacity by the fourth course. I was never foolish enough to make that mistake again. If you sit down at 12pm it’s quite common to still be sipping strong coffee and nibbling home-made chocolates at 8. You’ll have had every kind of fish and meat dish this nation created including smoked eel, hot liver pate with bacon and mushrooms, roast pork with crackling, chicken and asparagus tartlets and salmon and herring prepared a dozen different ways. Eaten on bread, by the way, with a knife and fork. A Danish smorgasbord is a thing of rare beauty. Everyone should sit down to one at least one time in their lives.
They Drink Schnapps, Like, All the Time
We drink schnapps when we’ve had two bottles of white wine and the DJ is playing eVoid and several hours ago already you lost all sense of reason. The Danes drink schnapps because it’s lunch time, because it’s cold, because it’s on the table in a variety of interesting flavours. Before you start pooh poohing a schnapps moment (cover your ears, vegans) you need to try a shot of ice-cold traditional Akvavit with a slice of nutty, freshly-baked rye bread smeared with a bit of pork fat including the crispy bits (wait, wait, bear with me) topped with herring in a creamy mustard sauce covered with thinly sliced red onions and a hard-boiled egg. Okay, sexy as I try to write it it still sounds grim, but I promise you – wash this lot down with a shot of fresh, herby schnapps and an ice-cold Danish beer and you’re up there with the angels.
You Don’t Take Your Husband’s Name When You Get Married
Because what for kakois is that idea, anyway? Sorry, but this is a thing of mine. They just get under my skin, these stubborn vestiges of the patriarchy that stick around like gazonkelnuts because it’s always been that way. How about saying no to that ridiculous norm? How about creating a new way where you’re equals in the partnership? How about he takes your name? That’s how it works there. If you’re a woman and you have a better name than your male partner he takes yours. It’s all very simple and uncontested and makes perfect sense to me. So, you women becoming Somebody Poggenpoel? Please stop it already.
Old Women Ride Bicycles and Smoke Pipes
I’m really not advocating smoking, I’m actually very anti-smoking (since I stopped smoking in the nineties when I was very pro-smoking) and the Danes smoke too much, true story. But it fills my heart with joy to descend the stone staircase of my favourite restaurant in Copenhagen which is built into a cellar dating back practically to the Viking days and sitting beside a roaring fire and watching two old ducks at the next table dressed in fur coats and looking fabulous drinking enormous vats of beer and puffing on cherry tobacco pipes. It says something about the way gender plays out in that place. You’ll be hard-pressed to find a submissive woman in Denmark; it’s just not the way they are raised. They don’t give a fuck. Which leads me to my next point.
The Women are Woes
Danish woman are not wallflowers. They go naked if they want to, they have sex when and with whom they want to and they’ll tell you quite quickly where to get off if you start with your chauvinism rubbish. Here, there is no hierarchy of the genders. Both partners work. In many households the woman is the breadwinner. Not only that but she cleans her own house, does her own washing, makes her own liver pate and bakes her own bread. Then she’ll get on her bicycle and collect her children from school (there’ll be a little trailer attached to accommodate them all. Most have around seven), cycle home in sleet and order everyone around like a sergeant major. Danish men are terrified of Danish women, and for good reason. They’re beautiful, tough as nails and scary as shit.
The Summer (when it comes) is Spectacular
I don’t know if it’s because it’s so elusive and long-awaited, but the summer in Denmark is a special kind of magic. The air smells like the rambling rose bushes which erupt everywhere in hot pink and crimson during the warmer months. People sit on the harbour wall drinking elderberry cider while ancient wooden ships creak out a ditty of their mysteries. At 10pm the sun is still visible on the horizon. Bonfires are lit on the beach. Children run into the warm ocean, forests become impenetrable walls of bright, lush green. All the nation celebrates with wine and strawberries and buttery new potatoes. People eat hotdogs with remoulade and dill-flavoured crisps. Music concerts spring up everywhere and nobody wants to go to bed. These hot nights are too delicious to waste. These long days are for savouring and for seduction. Most of the time Denmark is cold and flat and grey. But from June till September she’s tanned, blonde and very, very sexy. Visit her then and you’re sure to fall in love.
The Disco Pants Blog 
Lovely one, Susan. Makes me feel like going back.💜
It sounds amazing!
I feel like I could, after reading this post!
I enjoy your writings very much
Love your blogs!
I’m sold! Thanks for the insights!
I laugh. Then I want to get on a plane/broomstick and go to that land.
Now my wonderlust is screaming “Denmark, Denmark”.
Reading this piece I could see, tadte and smell everything you were saying. A great read.
Agree, but also encourage them to visit Aarhus, rather than Copenhagen. More interesting.
Unfortunately restaurants all high-end and so expensive because locals don’t eat out much.
Makes me feel proud to be a Bjergfelt…. half danish all way. Need to go visit my other motherland one day !!
Being Danish and a proud Viking woman, I’ll have to admit you got the Danish women down to a ‘t’. We are so absolutely fucking fabulous- well done and thanks for sharing.
This is fabulous, Susan!
Lovely descriptive piece. I’m sold!
Almost makes me want to return to my native land. Thanks, Susan. Great shots as well.
Visited family there in 2015 and loved it. Also enjoy the sense of humour. But that weather – sheesh.
By the way, who is eVoid? ;-)
The weather is sheesh indeed! eVoid is a South African band from the eighties :-)
Haha, I grew up with eVoid, but there used to be a meme (non-internet, because the internet didn’t exist at large then) repeated typically by drunk university students: Who is eVoid?
Susan, you’re amazingly funny and a great writer!!! But I’m sure you know that 😉 (and if by chance you dont – then you should 👍
Thanks for this episode. Makes me wana go out and get some schnapps and pork! And I dont even drink 😂
Your blog brings some nice comic relief with a very insightful view of our country and our people.
I look forward to every new article and you never disappoint!
Please dont ever stop writing and sharing your gift ❤️
I can’t wait to go there properly,your blog is very inspiring.We went to Flensberg a few years ago for a night and day – and got trashed on Acquavite.Somehow drinking it since anywhere else doesn’t work.I love the sound of the Danish culture- especially regarding gender, and generally not giving a damn about doing exactly what they want,without apology.Perfect antidote to being brought up an uptight stiff upper lip Brit…And aren’t they big on hygge? Love that concept!!
OMG! I love this! I was born in Canada but My Dad grew up in Denmark. I grew up eating smorgs and stealing akvavit out of my parents liquor cabinet lol! My Grandma was a very strong and capable woman, something I aspire to be! Oh and pork crackling is so amazing! Ive never been to Denmark but someday I will!
You should work for the Danish Tourism board Suz!!! I really really want to go now… but first I need to find my old tapes to play eVoids’ Shadows….;)
The lunch sounds good to me!
Nice post! I’d be curious to meet some of the emancipated Danish women. I like the liberty of the countries where you’re not expected to take your husband name. It’s quite bad here in SA. For instance, my sister-in-law was lied to that it’s illegal to keep her surname after getting married. Of course, she knew that wasn’t true and kept it anyway but HA officials keep changing her name to their desired married name on various documents to this day. My husband and I discussed mixing our names up and both getting a double-barreled surname but he already has a first name from a different culture and his “South Africaness” is questioned on every step so we decided that the addition of a chunk of a surname after his Eastern European wife may just be too much. I really don’t like conservative people telling me I should have just taken my husband’s surname as it’s more “normal” (=English sounding) but the feminist crowd telling me I should have kept it as it was is irritating me as well. It’s my bloody surname and I’ve done as I pleased. Also, in the countries where taking names after wives is uncommon, even if we don’t take our husband’s name we still carry a name after a different man, our father!
Canal Tours were amaziiiiiiiiing! Definitely one thing to do there
Great article btw :)
This things look great anyone can easily fall in love with :)
😊
I love Denmark! It’s my motherland! My fatherland! I was just there in June miss it
Loved loved loved your post! Im an old Dane from way back now living in Sydney but I love returning to my old country to visit family and friends.
Thanks for sharing
Why have you turned comments off on the angry expats article. Your original article is worth a read but the contributions by others are just amazing. So many different perspectives and intelligent writers have graced that page. As a South African travelling right now, it’s the juiciest thing I’ve read in ages. I know it’s really old and probably irritating to moderate but your work is still doing the rounds on social media. You certainly sparked a very interesting conversation.
Thanks, Brian. It just reaches a point where it’s all been said.
The beer of course is a factor:)